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Friday, August 31, 2012

MARIELVIRA TRICKS, PART 2

LAS PIERNAS
dando tumbos en la vida la gente se junta. algunos incluso se revuelven. en la primavera del 2006 marielvira me invita a almorzar en el monty's de coconut grove, frente al mar, los veleros, los pelicanos y la peste a podrido de las cabezas de pescado que tiran del bar-restaurante. me llena la cabeza de dinero con bonos mensuales por escribirle en su nuevo show de polemica, a empezar en megatv 22. como todavia yo era el caricaturista editorial del herald, todo proyecto varela fuera de eso, lo cogia con espiritu deportivo por no decir que como relax. ella queria irse mas alla de toda expectativa pero en realidad yo no le atendi mucho su pobre español sino sus ricas piernas, las que despliega con maliciosa gracia, convoyadas con un escote exagerado para ofertar la industria citrica. asi que -se supone- le acepte cualquier oferta. supongo que antes asi tambien cayeron los 2 alarcon (ricardo en cuba y raul en miami) y media farandula mas. recuerdo que le saque, alli mismo, algo que le encanto (no sean mal pensados): la idea de enfrentar al politico contra el votante, y al entierro contra la cremacion. y para tal menester inclui curas y ateos, alcaldes y desempleados. despues ambos nos adentramos en la zona prohibida: el sexo pervertido. caimos en el animalismo. le hube de confesar mi zoofilia al cogerme una gallina en mi niñez (que murio en la faena), y le traje un recuerdo de un recluta en camagüey que se templaba la yegua del coronel de la unidad militar y un dia hizo un trio con la yegua y el coronel, que resulto ser gay, para recibir pases de fin de semana. para ello, ella sugirio traer un actor pagado y recrear todo en la pantalla. luego nos encargariamos de buscar a esa dama que deja a su marido por su gran danes y no precisamente por la fidelidad del can. y asi por el estilo, cosas del sensacionalismo y los cabezalocas. marielvira -vino blanco y ostiones de por medio- quedo hechizada, pero necesitaba 2 cosas de manera decisiva: quitarle audiencia a oscaraza el del 41 y conseguir el anuncio de lexus. para ello tenia que irse por encima de los 5 puntos de rating pues por menos que eso, en esta plaza solo se motivan ño-que barato! y balzan. marielvira habia contratado un teatro y alli montado un escenario con botones en cada butaca, para que su audiencia en vivo votara por el bando azul o el rojo (el televidente lo haria por telefono). el primer show hizo 2 puntos. no lo escribi yo. ni el segundo ni el tercero. ella habia dejado mis temas para luego porque su personal -hablo de asistentes y productores, como siempre- los encontro demasiado fuertes. tras la primera semana, estando en 0.5, ella convoco reunion de emergencia a la que yo no fui pero despues hablamos por telefono y le propuse 3 cosas, a lo crudo, que ella asimilo y acepto debido a la carga de sinceridad que le mostre. primero debia apelar a sus piernas. subir par de pulgadas la falda, sentarse, y cruzar sus largas y torneadas extremidades, pues ella hacia el show de pie taconeando de un bando al otro. segundo, debia mover el horario para la misma hora de su competidor. sin miedo. si se compite debe ser de frente y no a esquinazos. y ella habia empezado una hora antes que el show a mano limpia del 41. y tercero, debia llevar al aire, inmediatamente, los libretos mios e incluso yo me meteria como invitado en uno de ellos, para ponerle caliente el ambiente. aunque para eso debia suprimir -desde luego- mis creditos como escritor del programa. asi lo hizo. en el show donde participe incluso me faje con un invitado para que confesara abiertamente su relacion con la puerca que tenia en el patio. el publico se puso de mi parte. aun asi el bando mio perdio porque favorecia las relaciones sexuales con animales y la votacion se arreglaba para que siempre ganara el lado politicamente correcto. resultado: 5 puntos de rating. pero luego se lo lleve a 9 con los entierros y los politicos. ese mes todos los programas que escribi fueron los de mayor rating. entonces marielvira se hizo la boba, se fue de viaje triunfal y no me pago el bono. el lunes cuando ella regreso a su oficina muy contenta le dijeron que yo ya no estaba, me habia ido para el canal 41. marielvira me llamo mientras me estaba bañando. nunca suelo contestar bajo la ducha pero ese dia no se por que corri la cortina, saque un brazo y agarre el bejuco. me dijo que lo sentia mucho. yo le dije que lo sentia mas. ella tenia su rating, yo no tenia mi bono. yo no estaba acostumbrado a hacer negocios con una libra de tu propia carne, como el mercader de venecia. aunque digamos que todo se zanjo despues que cai preso.©varela
MARIELVIRA TRICKS, PART 1: LA CABEZA
MARIELVIRA TRICKS, PART 3: EL CULO 
THE LEGS
lurching in life people meets. some are even mixed. in the spring of 2006 marielvira invited me to lunch in the monty's at the 'grove, with sea view, sailboats, pelicans and the stink of rotten fish heads thrown away from the restaurant-bar. she fills me the head of money with monthly bonuses for writing her new controversy's show, to start in megatv 22. back then i was the herald's editorial cartoonist, all varela project apart from that, was taken by me with good sportsmanship not to say as relaxation. she wanted to go more beyond all expectation, but in reality i wasn't attended her bad spanish but her good legs, which deployed with mischievous grace, along an exaggerated neckline to offer a citrus industry. so that -presumably- will accept any offer. i guess before thus also fell the 2 alarcon (cuba's ricardo and miami's raul) and half local celebrity. i remember that i brought out, there, something that she loved (is not what you think): the idea of facing the political against the voter, and cremation vs burial. and for such gear, to be included priets and atheists, mayors and unemployed. then we both enter the forbidden zone: kinky sex. we fell in the animalism. i confesed to her my zhoophilia when i fuck this chicken in my childhood (who died during the session). and put my memory back to this recruit in camagüey who was fucking the mare of the military base's colonel and one day he made a threesome, with the mare and colonel, that turned out to be gay, to receive weekend passes. so she suggested to bring a paid actor to recreate everything on tv screen. then we together must find that lady who leaves her husband for her great dane and not just by the fidelity of the dog. and so like that, things about sensationalism and madness. marielvira -oysters and white wine in the between- was bewitched, but 2 things needed in a decisive manner: to remove oscar haza audience of 41 and get the lexus ad. to do this she had to go beyond the 5 points of rating because for less than that, in this market are only motivated ño-que barato! and balzan. marielvira had hired a theatre and there mounted a stage with buttons in each seat, to let her live audience vote for the blue side or the red side (the tv viewer it would vote over the phone). the first show got 2 points. not what i wrote. neither the second nor the third. she had left my topics for later because her staff -i speak assistants and producers, as always- found me too strong. after the first week, while in 0.5, she called emergency meeting to which i wasn't but then, by phone, i proposed her 3 things, too rough, that she understood and accepted because of the burden of sincerity about it. first she should appeal to her legs. upload the skirt couple of inches, sit, and cross turned her long limbs, because she was making her show standing up, walking on stage from one side to the other. second, should move clockwise to the same time of her competitor. without fear. if you compete it must be facing your rival front, not cornering. and she had started an hour before the 41' show a mano limpia. and third, she should take to the air, immediately, my scripts. and i even will put myself as a guest in one of the shows, to put a hot environment. although for that should delete -of course- my credits as a writer for the program. so did. in the show i participated even i cinch with a guest to openly confess his relationship with the pig that he had in the backyard. the public was on my side. even when my side favored sex with animals and was the lossing side 'cause the vote was fixed in favor of the politically correct side. rating: 5. but then i bring it to 9 with the burials and politicians. that month all i wrote were the highest-rated programs. then marielvira acted as inocent, went out in a triumphant trip and didn't pay my bonus. on monday when she returned to her office very happy, was told that i was no longer there, i had gone to channel 41. marielvira call me while i was bathing. i never usually answer under the shower but that day -don't know why- i pulled the curtain, stretched an arm and grasp the cell. marielvira said sorry. i told her i sorry more. she had her rating, i didn't have my money. i wasn't used to do business with a pound of my own flesh, as the merchant of venice. but say, everything was patched after i fell on jail.©varela
MARIELVIRA TRICKS, PART 1: THE HEAD
MARIELVIRA TRICKS, PART 3: THE ASS