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Friday, September 21, 2012

EL CHOTEO AL MAHOMA KAN

si la montaña no viene a mahoma, mahoma va a la montaña
francis bacon

500 años despues que murio el ultimo profeta judio en jerusalen, nacio el primero de los arabes en la meca. pero vino con un soplo en el corazon. por lo que el arcangel gabriel, que ademas de bombardear ciudades es cardiocirujano y lo mismo lo contrata jehova que ala, bajo, le abrio el pecho, le extrajo un coagulo y dijo que por ahi era por donde satan podia seducirlo. exacto: lo atrabancaron 13 trigueñas. a los 25, desempleado (suerte la de jesus que consiguio en la carpinteria de nazareth), se arrimo a la hija de un camellero rico de la caravana a damasco, que lo puso a vivir bien como su primera esposa. pero como a todo varon ocioso le agarro el muermo de la mediana edad y a los 40 se metio en una cueva -siempre rodeado de jebas- y empezo a decir que gabriel habia bajado de nuevo para anunciarle que el era el profeta de una nueva religion. escribio el coran y se convirtio en el bestseller regional quitandole kiosko a la biblia y las postalitas eroticas de constantinopla. no solo contenia mas sexo y violencia sino que era mas creativo. y si el cuento judio tenia una sola virgen, en el suyo habia miles. pero como dijo que su dios era mas grande, se busco problemas. lo rechazaron e incluso le quisieron dar ñampiti gorrion por lo que se largo a un oasis llamado medina, con ali, sus 40 ladrones, y el haren. en el 620 viajo a jerusalen y viro contando que habia subido al cielo y conversado con abraham, moises y jesus. asi que mahoma, acotejando el antiguo con el nuevo testamento judio, se volvio peor que un palestino para los israelitas. empezo a asaltar caravanas de camellos y pronto convirtio a medina en un exitoso proyecto agricola revolucionario que fue atacado por la meca y las tribus hebreas, base del conservadurismo de aquella epoca en el medio oriente. tras varias guerras contra su ciudad natal -siempre en desventaja numerica y herido- termino por conquistarla en el 630, para 2 años despues regresar a medina con fiebre y dolores de cabeza -se decia que comia hasta la saciedad- y morir un lunes a los 63 con 17 cicatrices en su cuerpo en una noche de medialuna. sus seguidores extendieron sus ideas religiosas al este hacia la mesopotamia y persia; y al oeste a egipto y el norte de africa. sus preceptos se volvieron la fuerza social y politica que invadio europa y enfrento a hindues y asiaticos. y hoy en dia, con mil millones de adeptos, la religion creada por mahoma es la segunda despues del cristianismo. si bien primero se les llamo mahometanos y despues musulmanes, el islam es su nombre por traduccion arabiga del sometimiento y la entrega. y sus distintas ramas, sectas o disidencias (sunismo, chiismo, sufismo y jariyismo) solo difieren en la interpretacion de sus seguidores, donde unos dicen que su hija fatima es su heredera oficial y otros que no. de todas formas fatima -casada con ali y a quien mahoma considero 1 de las 4 mujeres mas perfectas que conocio- rehuso aceptar al sucesor de su padre, y murio 2 años despues de el, a los 28. ahora me pregunto por que a este hombre de la historia, que incluso vivio, amo, peleo y murio como muchos mas, no se le puede hacer caricaturas. si es, en si, otra forma de reverenciarlo.©varela 
if the mountain won't come to mahomet, mahomet will go to the mountain
francis bacon

500 years after the last jew prophet died in jerusalem, was born the first of the arabs, in mecca. but he came with a heart murmur. so the archangel gabriel, that in addition to bombard cities is cardiac surgeon and so hires him jehovah and allah, fell down, opened his chest, extracted a clot and told there was where satan could seduce him. exactly: 13 brunettes seduced him. at 25, unemployed (lucky jesus that got in the nazareth carpentry), he joined to the daughter of a rich caravan cameleer to damascus, which put him to live well as his first wife. but, like every lazy male, got him the middle age
boredom and at 40 he got into a cave -always surrounded by gals- and began to say that gabriel had fallen again to announces him that he was the prophet of a new religion. he wrote the qur'an, and it became a regional bestseller, stealing kiosk from the bible and the constantinople's erotic collector cards. not only it had more sex and violence on it, but it was more creative. and if the jews story had a single virgin, in his, had thousands. but since he said his god was bigger, got problems. it was rejected and even wanted to be whacked. and he moved to an oasis called medina with ali, his 40 thieves and, of course, the harem. in the 620 made a trip to jerusalem and came back talking that he rised to heaven and conversed to abraham, moses and jesus. so mahomet, fixing the old and the new jewish testament together, became worse than a palestinian to the israelites. began to assault caravans camels and soon medina was a successful revolutionary agricultural project that was attacked by mecca and the hebrew tribes, the base of the middle east conservatism by that time. after several wars against his hometown -all of it at a numerical disadvantage and wounded- he ended by conquered it at 630, to get back to medina 2 years later with fever and headache -be said that mohamet ate up over and over again- and died on monday with 63 and 17 scars in his body, in a halfmoon night. his followers spread his religious ideas east to mesopotamia and persia; and to the west to egypt and north africa. its precepts became the social and political force that invaded europe and faced indians and asians. and today, with one billion adherents, the religion created by mahomet is the second after christianity. although first called them mahometans and muslims later, islam is the name by arabian translation of the submission and delivery. and its various branches, sects or disagreements (sunni muslim, shia islam, sufism and kharijites) differ only in the interpretation of his followers, where some say that his daughter fatima is the official heir and others that doesn't. anyway, fatima -married to ali, whom mahomet considered 1 of the 4 more prefect women that he met- refused to accept the successor of his father, and died 2 years after him, at 28. now i wonder why this man of history, that even lived, loved, fought and died as many, can not be in cartoons. if it's, in itself, another form of reverence it.©varela